“Maybe you should stop reading those books…maybe you think too much?”
That was my mother talking at the end of an exhausting week, both physically and mentally. In terms of a review, the week has been a great microcosm of life. A life that, this week, has left me tired, angry, upset, happy, thoughtful and focused.
The week started with an ending. It was my 31st working day at the World Series of Poker (WSOP) in Las Vegas and it would prove to be my last. I was watching a Spanish poker player called Jordi Martinez try to win $8.5 million. He was tired, nervous and yet excited about his adventure. He was already guaranteed the biggest payday of his professional poker career after securing just under $200,000 with 45 players still remaining in the $10,000 WSOP Main Event, but he so badly wanted more. It wasn’t about the money. Jordi Martinez was doing something that he loved. He loved playing poker and he had turned it into his day job. To the right of me there were three Spanish media representatives also watching Martinez play. They too were excited, inspired and happy in their work. They wanted Martinez to win just as badly as Martinez himself. Then there was me, tired, bored and fed up. I just wanted Martinez to lose as quickly as possible so I could wrap up and go home to my son.
Monday was a sad day. It was the last day that I would spend with my Liza for another 18 days. I live in this continual cycle of mixed emotion. I feel sadness to leave Liza and yet joy to see my son Jude. I feel like I am cheating on them both.
“I just want you to be here Dad. I don’t care about money, your job, gifts or holidays. I just want you to be here.”
I spoke to my mother for over an hour today. I told her every little thing that I have resented about her my whole life. After spilling my guts all over her new patio floor, I told her that I respected her, loved her and forgave her. I then asked for forgiveness, we both cried and had a great big hug and kiss. After we had finished talking I realised that I needed to be with my son. I need to listen to what he wants and then provide for him. I need to stop trying to mould him into something and instead sit back and watch him grow. I am grateful for having the upbringing that I have had because I can now learn from it and hopefully it is not to late to be the best dad in the world.
Liza told me that I needed to stop giving myself a hard time. She told me that I needed to forgive myself for my failings and move on. I believe she is right and so here it goes.
No Mum, I don’t think I read too many books. In fact, I wish I had the time to read even more. Without books I would never be afforded the chance to change, to learn from my mistakes, forgive myself and to be a better person. Do I think too much? Yes I probably do and if I didn’t act as well as think then I think my thinking would become a problem. I cannot be the only person in this world who has screwed up so royally, and I just wish more people also had a good old fashioned think every once in a while.