When I was aged between 9-10 years old I spent my entire life in my friends house across the road. His father always worked away – in the military I think – and his Mum would make the best toast I have ever tasted. She would burn one side and coat it in butter whilst leaving the other side un-toasted – it was heavenly. My friend’s bedroom was full of the top of the range video games. He had a ZX Spectrum and Commodore 64, and we would spend hours playing Football, Dungeons and Dragons and Manic Miner.
One day when I was at his house he told me he didn’t want to play video games. Instead he wanted to show me a movie that he had found when searching for Christmas presents in his parents bedroom. He showed me the case. This great big VHS case with pictures of naked women on it. I can’t remember the full name of the video but I do remember the name Electric Blue.
He put the movie on and we both sat and watched as people started to have sex. It was the first time that I had ever seen people having sex of any description. Eventually, the woman made the guys come with their hands and my friend asked me if I had ever done that before? I told him I hadn’t but asked him the same question and he said he had. I asked him what it was like and he told me that it was the best feeling in the world. He then said we should do it there and then. I refused. He called me a baby and so I agreed to a compromise. He would masturbate in the bedroom and I would go to the bathroom.
As I lay on the bathroom floor I remember the smell of toilet cleaner. I can’t tell you the brand, but I can tell you that for the next 30-years when I have a whiff of the same smell I am right back in that bathroom. I started to play with myself like I had seen on the movie and eventually I had my first orgasm. I remember thinking that my penis was broken because no white stuff came out. What I now understand to be an orgasm was the most exhilarating experience I had ever had. Then I was immediately hit with a different feeling – one of shame. I made my excuses and left, although we would watch the same movie over and over again without ever again masturbating as we had done that first time.
I didn’t have much as a child in terms of materialistic pleasures. So imagine how fortunate I was to find out that I could create the ultimate pleasure by just using my hand. A few weeks after that first experience I started to masturbate quite frequently. I went looking for videos in my parent’s bedroom and found a magazine underneath my Dad’s mattress. The models in the magazine never turned me on; it was always the reader’s wives. Not long after I had my first wet dream. Although it wasn’t very wet because I was still not producing sperm at this point, and still thought it was broken! I have only ever had two wet dreams since.
As I got older I found that the magazines had a lesser impact on me. I was taking longer to reach orgasm and I was getting bored looking at the same pictures. I have never bought pornography in my life although one year my mate did buy me a video for my birthday, which was nice! At this time I started to fantasise instead of reading magazines. It was never film stars or pop stars and instead people that I knew, mainly friends of my mother.
Then along came the Internet. By the time I first bought a computer I was married. One of the first things I did when I set it up was search for pornography. I was bombarded with images and pop up ads, but try as I might I couldn’t find any free pornography sites. Then one day I was talking about this in the pub and a friend told me how to access a free site and I started using it. I remember once sitting by the computer with my ex wife searching for photographs of my son. My ex wife told me to press ‘search all photos’ and all manner of pornographic photographs came onto the screen. I lied to her about where they had come from.
I would watch pornography at least once a day. I developed a habit where I told myself it would help me sleep. I hated my job and had a lot of worries surrounding debt. I would always find a way to sneak to the computer to watch pornography and masturbate. I think the thrill of getting caught increased the sexual edge.
When I got divorced my use of pornography increased. Sometimes I would masturbate more than once a day. By now my habits had changed. I still had the habit of masturbating before falling to sleep, but I would also masturbate after exercise, just before I had a bath, after writing for prolonged periods of time or after playing video games. I have no idea why I felt sexually stimulated at these times but I did. By now I couldn’t reach orgasm by looking at magazines or fantasizing. I could only reach orgasm by having sex or watching pornography. By now I was reaching climax and not even having any orgasm at all.
I then met my new girlfriend. She is a stunner – absolutely beautiful. She was the first woman I had been with for 20-years. Suddenly, everything that never mattered before mattered now. Was I going to be rated in bed? What my penis big enough? Would I come too quickly? Would she like my body? Would I like hers? It was terrifying. I started to suffer from various ailments of sexual dysfunction. I had no idea what was happening to me. Once again I turned to pornography to try and solve my issues. When I was alone with pornography there was no stress, no shame and no worries.
Then one day I was watching a movie about two young girls who had been kidnapped. Their captors raped them, filmed the rape scenes and showed the videos on porn channels. This movie had a profound effect on me. I immediately realised that although this movie was not real, that this must actually happen in real life. As a user of pornography I was feeding the system that was raping and abusing young girls. At the same time I had also begun to see a therapist about the stress of my divorce. We talked about pornography and she made me see for the first time how damaging it can be to your life.
I decided to quit watching pornography over a year ago.
At no point did I believe I was addicted to pornography when I was using. In fact, I didn’t really understand the depth of my problem until just recently. The world we live in is a very sick place. Our children are being taken and abused. I believe that this all stems from pornography and the general availability of it on the Internet.
You can log onto the Internet right now and watch a drunken, unconscious girl sat on a train whilst various men are abusing her. I don’t know if it is real or staged but it exists. There are scenes of simulated rape, BDSM and bondage.
Remember when I was younger I found a magazine underneath my Dad’s mattress and I wasn’t even 10-years old. Our children have access to this stuff on the Internet and don’t be fooled into believing that your security checks will stop them from accessing it. People are being raised to believe that sexual intimacy is taken directly from the images they see on the screens. I know because this is what I have done.
I have written my story in the hope that people will connect with it and join me in boycotting pornography. It’s not easy. We are bombarded with sexually explicit images every day. Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, television, movies, magazines and the Internet all provide challenges for people who were once addicted to pornography.
You need to look beyond the instant gratification and consider the long-term effects on your health. Pornography addiction is no different than alcohol, nicotine, sugar or drugs. They all have the same pattern. They blind us from the future by providing us with a wonderful buzz right here and right now. Learn to see that future.
Learn to see it today.
If you are male, aged between 18-24 and think you watch too much porn then e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org.
Alternatively, why not let me help you by applying for a slot in the Lean Life coaching course.
If you have a real life story to tell then please contact me . Putting your thoughts on paper really helps with your recovery. Anonymity is preserved.
Photo courtesy of MikeCogh cc @ flickr