When we split up finding another woman was the last thing on my mind. The thought of being with someone else just didn’t feel right. But despite not wanting to find another woman I did have pangs of worry. Would I be alone all of my life? At thirty-seven years of age who would want me? So I just locked myself in my bedroom and worked my socks off. I wrote a ton and played a ton of poker. When opportunities came along to travel the world and work at poker I took them. I did anything and everything to take my mind off my broken heart. It was something I didn’t want to accept. To accept it would mean I would have to grieve and mourn and I didn’t know how to do that.
Then out of nowhere I fell in love with the most wonderful woman. It wasn’t planned or premeditated, in fact I had never even thought about being with another woman. I am writing this for all of the people in the world who move from one relationship to another. I want to share my brief insights into how I felt and what I learned.
I fell in love far too quickly. This may seem strange because you do not choose when you fall in love, but it is the truth. I didn’t realise it at the time, but my masochistic approach to dealing with my divorce meant I had not given myself time to mourn the loss of love. It seems that when women and men split up, the woman vows to never let another man hurt her again whilst the man just runs out and finds another woman. This happens on the sub-conscious level hence my admittance that I wasn’t searching for anyone else to fill the hole left in my heart.
One of the effects of choosing to be in a relationship soon after leaving another one is something called transference. Basically, I sometime struggle to differentiate between the two relationships. Sometimes I find myself arguing with my current girlfriend, Liza, about nothing. This happens because of a memory from my previous relationship. This could be the way she looks, a smirk, a frown, the tone of her voice, or anything else that my memory connects with my previous relationship. This is incredibly difficult for Liza to deal with and this is why she is so special. Lesser woman than Liza would have run a mile a long time ago.
Then my mind also decides to play another little trick on me. My mind will remember that I met a girl, my heart fluttered, we fell in love, we lived happily ever after, then we split and my heart was broken. Then I meet another woman, my heart flutters, we fall in love and my mind says WHOA THERE! JUST HOLD ON A MINUTE! I AM TAKING OVER THIS ONE HEART MY OLD MUCKER.
The mind will try to protect me by consistently reminding me of how love ends up with my heart being broken. It does this by creating anxiety, jealousy and insecurity. The mind get’s all nostalgic and continually reminds me how I was once in this position and it didn’t end up very well. This creates some awful behaviour on my part and this is yet another reason why Liza is so amazing. I believe that I behave in a way that reduces the likelihood that she will leave me. The way I manage this is backwards in its logic but I am displaying these traits so I believe it is true.
I sub-consciously treat Liza in such a way that I believe will make her feel reliant on me. If she is reliant on me then there is less likelihood that she will leave and therefore my heart remains unbroken. The subtle way that I manage this is through constant criticism and a lack of support. She is a very independent free spirit and I think I am trying to change that. I think I also displayed similar traits in my previous relationship but they are more intense in this one due to the loss of love created in my first.
I have managed to understand the errors of my ways due to a number of methods. Liza managed to persuade me to hire a counselor to help me manage the emotional part of going through a divorce. It was the counselor who first recognised the issues of transference. I am very reflective and always analysing my behaviour to try and rectify issues and improve constantly. I do this through reading, self analysis and writing. But lastly, I have had the support of a truly gifted, loving and understanding woman. She believes in me as I believe in her. It is this belief in our future that has enabled us to stay together when she certainly could have run. She listens to me and helps me get to the root cause of my issues. I am so grateful for her love and support. I love you Liza.
Have you moved from one relationship to another? Do you have problems making the transition? Does any of this seem familiar to you?