Who am I?
You don’t need to know my name. That’s boring shit. I do want you to know that I gave up smoking when I was 22-years of age, and I gave up alcohol when I was 34-years of age.
It’s important because they are two different times in my life, when I found the power to quit two of the most destructive habits in the world.
And it was easy.
I’m sorry, but it was.
I can’t lie to you.
I will never lie to you.
I gave up smoking when my son was born. I had always wanted to quit smoking because I knew it was killing me, but I was hopelessly addicted. I was also immortal. The thought of death was way beyond the mountains. The films of rotting lungs didn’t scare me.
Then I had a son.
I wanted to live longer.
I wanted him to live longer.
I didn’t want him to fall out of a tree, get punched by the bully in school, break a bone, receive sticks or stones, get his heart broken by a girl, or die of lung cancer.
I needed to set an example.
I am in my early 30s and my marriage is falling apart. I think I am going slightly mad in my attempts to keep it together. It feels like using sticky back tape to keep a broken window from disintegrating during a hurricane.
I spend most of my time in a job that I hate. When I am at home I am complaining that my wife and son don’t understand that I am doing it all for them. It never occurs to me that they just want me. They don’t care about the money honey.
The energy that surrounds me in work is like lung cancer. I might as well start smoking again. It’s killing me all the same, only I just don’t know it. My tears are dry, my head hurts and I don’t know what to do.
We lose ourselves in alcohol. It’s the only way we know how. Our feet move, the wood bends, we leap, we smile and flowers bloom in the garden. Then it all gets a little crazy. Faces shrivel. Gnarly wood creeps up through the floorboards. Angst replaces joy. Screams and shouts fill the space once filled by our favourite songs.
Then we wake up.
We apologise even though we don’t remember why?
We kiss and make up.
Make up sex is great.
Then we start the whole goddam thing all over again.
I had to quit alcohol. It was clouding my life. I couldn’t see straight. So remembering the method I used when I quit smoking I did the same with alcohol.
Once again it was easy.
Oh the irony.
I quit drinking to save my marriage, and ultimately it destroyed it.
When you pour the alcohol down the drain people start to see you for who you really are. My wife saw me for the first time and she didn’t like what she saw.
So who am I?
I am a loving person. I am someone who wants to do great things so I can share them with others. I love the feeling I get in my belly when I have contributed to someone else’s success. I have an overwhelming desire to save the world, and this desire can sometimes come across a little pushy. This makes people think I am judgmental. Perhaps, I am. There is no perhaps about it. I am a little judgmental. Who the fuck isn’t.
I am a hard worker. I work too hard. I don’t get the balance right. This is one of the reasons my first marriage failed, and one of the reasons my second marriage will be a success. I get lonely because all of my friends spend most of their time getting drunk. I don’t want to be amidst that madness. It’s not fun for me.
Hard work is important though. Without it there is no success. I want to be successful. The more successful I am, the more people that I can save. I want to save everyone. I want to spend every day speaking to children about alcohol. I want to change education. I want to help people see the illusion for what it is.
Loneliness is my challenge. It’s a choice that I make. I am trying hard to make a different choice. I am meeting new people. Like minded people. I am learning about energy. I revel in good energy, and I shrink back from the black.
If you truly know me you know that I am a good laugh. I have a wicked sense of humour that borders on risqué. I like to push and probe the taboos in life. I like asking questions, challenging the status quo and holding a debate. Some people think I am argumentative. I just think they should grow a pair and hold their ground more.
I am pretty dogmatic when it comes to my beliefs around habit change. I have tried the ‘moderation’ approach, and it doesn’t work for me. If you want to moderate then go and find someone else who can help you. I am not that guy.
It’s all or nothing with me.
When I was drinking I had £30k in credit card debt because of a nasty gambling habit, I had a particularly sad pornography habit, my diet consisted of a series of take away menus, I didn’t exercise and I took everything for granted.
Today, I don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t take drugs, I have £12,000+ in savings, I have no debt, I lost everything that I owned and built it back up again, I quit my job for life and created a new one, I learned to father from afar despite my heart breaking in two, I managed to get through a tough divorce and still manage to this day, I run at least a mile every day, I meditate, I do yoga, I eat a diet consisting if mainly fruit and veg and I found love again.
I feel alive.
I am supportive and you will feel that support. I don’t leave anybody behind in the trenches. It’s important for me that you quit. Professional counsellors tell me this is a bad thing. That I shouldn’t be so invested in your recovery. Fuck that. I am 100% invested in your recovery. Each time you cry I cry. I feel your pain.
I am the guy who always offers an opinion. I always try to provide the solution. I am not that great at just sitting there and taking it all in. I am not the greatest listener in the world either.
But do you know what?
I have awareness. I know what my faults are and each day I improve. Things move too slowly for me. I want to fix everything about me right now. I want to get plugged in like Neo in The Matrix and just have the knowledge downloaded into my mind because it means I can help you quicker.
I just want to help people.
Let me help you.
E-Mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org and share your pain.
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