Rewind a few years and had you asked me what being ‘connected’ to my partner meant I would have thought about sex. I was a very one-dimensional being. On the outside, I appeared to care about everyone, but internally all I cared about was myself. I was incapable of empathy because I didn’t understand what it was. I couldn’t hold space for people because I was so desperate to fill it. I was unable to listen because I couldn’t stop talking. When someone close to me talked about their problems I tried to solve them.
The opposite emotions of compassion are hatred, mercilessness, indifference, and cruelty. It sounds harsh, but this is how we can speak to ourselves. Think about this for a minute. When the cruel talk starts we laugh it off, and numb out that unpleasant feeling with a swig of alcohol, eat junk food, or maybe even do the opposite of spending the whole weekend in the gym. This form of punishment takes place when there is no self-compassion.
In this week’s Alcohol & Addiction Podcast Lee Davy and Liza Lim talk about the importance of community, and how their lives, both individually, and as a whole, have been affected by a lack of one at various times in their lives.
Ask Needy Helper Podcast: Episode #10 “Do I Suffer From FOMO When With my Friends Who are Drinking?”
This week’s question comes from Peter in Oxford, UK.
Alcohol turns people into monsters. It doesn’t recognise filters that have been put in situ to help society function. You look different, you smell different, and you act different. Danger is not a word that is in your vocabulary when you are drunk. So how safe are your loved ones from drunken you?
How many of your loved ones are affected by your abuse of alcohol?
A book review on the New York Times Bestseller The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and how it can help recovering alcoholics.
He drives me insane!
The Spirit of Intimacy is the type of book that you spy on your bookshelf and can’t remember how it got there. A moment that makes you want to believe that the universe put it there just for you.
A magical moment.
During my recent trip to Las Vegas, where I worked at the World Series of Poker (WSOP), my gambling habit relapsed. These days I am much more aware when I relapse. I catch the signs earlier, am ready and prepared to contemplate and investigate my actions and determined to make positive changes to reduce the likelihood of it happening again. I am also quick to forgive myself and move on. Sometimes I may even find something new in my internal investigations and Vegas was a classic case in point.
I doubt that this is a 100% male problem, but in my own personal experiences of relationships it seems to be the case in my life. So if you are male I want you to pay particular attention to what I am about to say next, as it could save your relationships from falling apart.
When you make the fundamental decision to change a destructive habit there are going to be casualties of war. The bloody mess will be painted over the hearts of your family and your closest friends. You will become a different person. You will feel like you have improved and have become a more advanced model, but this is not a viewpoint that will be shared by those that love you the most.
One of the often cited excuses for not changing a habit, is the fear of loss associated with the change. Some people have the capability of projecting their change process into the future and seeing how relationships will become damaged by their decisions to try and improve their life.