Improving Your Life and Relationships

The Lessons of Fathers Day

June 19, 2013 by Lee Davy Leave a Comment

Fathers Day should be a celebration of paternalism and love, but for me it’s a day where I am filled with a hollow sadness and an uncomfortable ache. It’s a stark reminder that my inability to manage a broken relationship has terrible consequences.

Divorces are tough sons of bitches, but divorces with children…now that’s the toughest of them all. One day they are there and the next they are gone. It’s the small things that produce the most damaging shards. The silence around the house, the omission of the once-in-a-while glimpse as they run into the kitchen for food and drink before once again disappearing in their bedroom; the bedtime ritual of storytelling, hugs and kisses and the morning ritual of the second kiss – the one where you pause momentarily to take in the beauty, where you tell yourself “I created that,” before kissing him softly on his forehead so you are careful not to wake him.

Stop Complaining

March 1, 2013 by Lee Davy 4 Comments

I bet you have people in your life that are always complaining? They may even be very close to you. Sometimes they are deadly serious with their complaints; other times they might make a light joke out of it. At least that’s the picture that they are painting. But it’s a false one. The hidden canvass is dripping crimson and the place is a mess.

There are two types of complainers: those that are just mere acquaintances and those that you love. The first bunch is easy to deal with. You just move as far away from them as possible. Pick them off and let them shrivel up and die. Don’t provide them with any attention, and they will eventually run off and infect someone else.

The Stresses and Strains of Existence

February 27, 2013 by Lee Davy 4 Comments

“What has he got to worry about?”

How many times have you heard, or said, that statement? The truth is most people have something that bothers them. Life is hard if you allow it to be, and given the fact that we all allow life to be the puppet master it’s not that surprising. Most of us don’t even take a second to ask what the hell is going on. We get up brush our teeth, kiss our loved ones, head to a place of work that we hate, sit around waiting for the dreaded day to end, drive home, kiss our loved ones, watch TV and eat, kiss our loved ones, brush our teeth and go to bed.

The stresses and strains of a daily existence start as soon as the bell tolls. If you are being woken up when your body wants to sleep then that’s a bad sign. You either need more sleep or you are heading into a future that you neither like nor want. This is usually a hatred of your job. This hatred causes stress. Maybe you don’t hate your job, but instead it is boring. It’s still stress. Maybe you hate your boss or your co-workers = stress. So why work anyway? It’s because you need to pay the bills. Oh yes, that wonderful thing: money. The biggest reason for stress that there is.

Escaping the Rat Race

February 25, 2013 by Lee Davy Leave a Comment

In the remarkable book Healing Back Pain by John E.Sarno M.D. this amazing man makes reference to an experiment that I would like to draw attention to in this post.

The experiment involved two separate groups of rats that suffered from the same form of cancer, and were being exposed to annoying electrical shocks. In one of the groups the rats could not escape the shocks and had to endure them until they stopped, but in the other they could just run away from the pain. Both groups of animals received the same dose of shocks with the only difference being that one group could escape.

Put Your Brain in Its Place

February 15, 2013 by Lee Davy Leave a Comment

I have the most bizarre, amazing, scary, funny and interesting conversations with my brain. Our relationship started when I first learned to read without verbally expressing the words. We called it silent reading. I don’t have many memories from childhood, but learning to read silently is one of them. I guess back then, when I was reading silently, I was the storyteller and my brain was the avid listener. Then one day it started to develop its own voice, and it hasn’t shut up since.

I often wonder if shy, retiring people have a shy and retiring brain? I talk an incredible amount of bollocks, and so does my brain, so perhaps the reverse is true? For years, I have tried to find the switch, but to no avail. It doesn’t matter what I do, the voice still keeps on jabbing away. Sometimes it comes up with the most amazing ideas, other times it creates the most disgusting, shallow, serial killer type thoughts – but most of the time it just spouts nonsense.

Coping

February 13, 2013 by Lee Davy 8 Comments

I am beginning to wonder if this stiff upper lip is a genetic thing? Mans desire – and need – to be a man woven into our DNA. My son is just 12-years of age and each time I ask him if he needs help and support with something he will brush me off.

“I’m ok Dad.”

Controlling Conflict

December 26, 2012 by Lee Davy 4 Comments

It’s happening again. There is pressure and it is building. Like an old fashioned kettle I am about to whistle. I can feel the steam rushing through the canals like a whipped up wave. There will be a rush soon. It’s coming. People will turn to stone.

Sometimes I scream. A sharp intake, a swell of the chest, a clenched throat and the release of a gravelling tone. My eyes hit the roof of my lids, my neck cranes back and I grip my hair with both of my hands. I don’t know what to do, and I am afraid. The alternatives go through my mind in seconds. By brain processes each one-check…check…check…check…check. Nope, it’s no use. No matter what I do I will cause harm. There is no right way out of this mess. There is just a screw up. I am a screw up.

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Filed Under: Communication, Conflict, Improving Your Life and Relationships, Listening Tagged With: Conflict

Finding Joy and Meaning

October 12, 2012 by Lee Davy 2 Comments

Last week I wrote a blog post entitled The Pick of the Week: Lonely. The title was self-explanatory. I was feeling a little down in the dumps – I was feeling lonely. I finished off the post by explaining that a great book called The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown had made a positive influence on me. In this book the author suggested creating a Joy and Meaning list, a list of the things that make you, or your family, operate with a sense of joy, meaning and happiness. Yesterday, I sat down with my girlfriend and decided to write a Joy and Meaning list. The net result of the conversational brainstorm was a list of activities, drawn from memory that makes us both happy. Here is my list broken down into a few choice categories.

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Filed Under: Improving Your Life and Relationships

Pick of the Week: Where Can I Find Love?

September 28, 2012 by Lee Davy 8 Comments

Do you remember the first-time you told your partner that you were in love?

Just one word – four simple letters – but when you open your mouth in preparedness to release them, you feel as if the words of that strange train station in Wales are trying to force their way out… Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogoch.

Losing and Finding Love – Dealing With Transference

July 10, 2012 by Lee Davy 9 Comments

When I was only thirteen years of age I kissed a girl and fell in love with her. I remember that we soon started to be boyfriend and girlfriend and she gave me a silver bracelet with her name engraved on it. Then I did what most boys do at that age. I got bored and decided I wanted to see what else was in the world. I made up some silly excuse and ended our brief relationship. A few years later and we became best friends, lovers and at the age of twenty-one I married her. For the next fifteen-years she became one of the most important people in my life. Then one day we decided that we needed to part. We loved each other and yet we were destined to live the rest of our lives along different paths. It was a very sad, sad time.

When we split up finding another woman was the last thing on my mind. The thought of being with someone else just didn’t feel right. But despite not wanting to find another woman I did have pangs of worry. Would I be alone all of my life? At thirty-seven years of age who would want me? So I just locked myself in my bedroom and worked my socks off. I wrote a ton and played a ton of poker. When opportunities came along to travel the world and work at poker I took them. I did anything and everything to take my mind off my broken heart. It was something I didn’t want to accept. To accept it would mean I would have to grieve and mourn and I didn’t know how to do that.