So who needs a Lean Life?
At times my outlook on life is positive, but I struggle to maintain self-motivation. Eventually it fizzles out and I am always on the look out for more fizz. I would dearly love more energy and enthusiasm but the couch and the television have me in its pull and I can’t wriggle free.
“You get what you see with me, and if you don’t like it – tough.”
That’s a phrase I use a lot when I am within my circle of friends. They all nod – not because they agree with me – but because people prefer to avoid confrontation, which is exactly what I am bringing into my life by behaving in line with that statement.
I am lonely and feel disconnected from the world. This creates insecurities, and as I move further and further away from people, I struggle to relate to anybody. I think I am going slightly mad. My friends and family live in the same conditions as me and they never complain.
What is wrong with me?
I feel like a failure. Then there are the children. What if they grow up to be just like me? I have a responsibility towards the children. I need to change for them…not for me…for them. My children’s happiness is more important than my own. In fact, everybody’s happiness is more important than my own.
Being a single parent is tough. The more time I spend with my children, and the more alienated I become from the ‘real world,’ the more childish and immature I feel. I have never grown up. I will always be a child. How can I become a role model for my children if I don’t like what I see in the mirror?
I feel weak minded and weak willed. I am always berating myself. Slime in this ear…slime in that ear…JUST STOP TALKING. I pound and I pound. I am always angry, full of self-loathing and have no belief whatsoever. Nothing good ever happens to me. Nothing. Who needs enemies when I have myself?
I need to change, but the thought terrifies me. I am a failure. Always have been and always will be. I spend my nights trawling through Facebook trying to keep up with the Joneses. He has more money than me; she looks thinner than me, why is he always having fun?
Nothing I ever do is good enough, and there is nobody in my life to tell me otherwise. I need constant reassurance, but who is going to give it to me. I crave it. I yearn for it. When the boss tells me I have done a great job I shine. Then the fizzle. I can’t sustain the energy. It dissipates. It floats.
I never get anything done because I suffer from procrastination. I am a rebel without a cause. On the outside I wear a badge that says I don’t give a damn about planning. Life is about living. But on the inside I know this is wrong, because I am always putting out fires. I am both the fire fighter and the pyromaniac, a definition of insanity if there ever was one.
To do lists are for nerds. Goals are for kicking football in. Do you think I have time for all of that nonsense? I have children to feed, I have a job that I loathe, but need the money to pay the rent and I have no time to myself. A to do list? No thank you. I don’t need the rigidity of organisation. I thrive with flexibility…or do I? I’m confused…I don’t know what to think anymore.
I don’t measure anything so I don’t understand the difference between success and failure. I don’t recognise progress. It’s a blank canvass…I don’t see the formation of a painting. The brushes are dry.
My success is measured by my happiness…but I’m never truly happy. Not around my guts, my heart and my lungs. From the outside in I might look happy, but inside I am crumbling. I am running out of time. I used to have so much drive when I was younger, but now I am older I can’t seem to find the accelerator. My best years have passed. I am too old to achieve anything now.
I divulge in unhealthy practices and use the excuse that everyone behaves this, so why can’t I? Drinking, smoking, taking drugs and eating trash is all part of life. MODERN LIFE IS RUBBISH. I feel like shit, I look like shit and my thinking is full of shit. This can’t be right. The occasional buzz doesn’t seem to compare to the lifetime of misery. So why do I keep doing this? Why do I return for more?
If I quit these things who would be my friend? I might as well move to Pluto. My entire social structure revolves around these destructive habits. This is life. I will not change. I don’t want to change. Everything in moderation. I wonder if there is someone who can teach me to consume in moderation. If I could find this person then my life would be just fine.
I hate my job but don’t have the guts to change. Even worse I don’t consider changing. Each time a spark ignites in my mind I extinguish it. I am scared. I am scared of failing, but most importantly I am scared of being a success. If I succeed then I will have to work a lot harder than I do now. Everything will change and I don’t like change. I don’t want change. Hang on…my life is rubbish…why wouldn’t I want to change it? I don’t know…I’m tired…I need another siesta. Just forty winks before The Voice begins.
I have tried to use my children as a catalyst for change but that doesn’t work either. Some role model I am. Some parent I am. I can’t even give up drinking for my children. What does that say about my soul? Parents are supposed to be able to do anything for their kids, and I can’t pour a bottle of poison down the drain?
I hate my memories and want to create new ones but I don’t know how? I want to move to a better place but don’t know how? If only someone could show me the way…. hold my hand and lead me. Someone nice…someone who understands what I am going through. I need inspiration. I need constant inspiration otherwise I fall. It hurts when I fall. You can’t see the bruises but they are there. They cover the insides of my body like a treacherous web. The spiders are coming and I can’t stop them.
I can’t make a decision. Each one seems so tough. If nobody asks me any questions then I have cured the problem. So don’t get too interested in interesting stuff. That way the questions cease and I don’t have to deal with them. It’s quiet now. Nice and quiet. I can relax and forget about the world for a moment.
What do I do next? How I get rid of all this clutter? Personal possessions both tangible and intangible. Rooms full of stuff both inside my mind and inside the house that has a mortgage that I cannot afford. Why did I buy all these things? It’s no wonder I have no money…I am consumed with debt. It’s everywhere. Just stop spending! Cutting the card is not murder. It will not bleed.
Everything revolves around money. I can’t change my life without it. Nobody does anything without payment. I can’t afford books, training courses or counselling. I can’t write a bucket list because I don’t have any money. Dreaming about flying to the moon will just make me depressed. I like being a pessimist, although I did hear once that I am more likely to die because of it. Good job that I am immortal then. Death never comes and when it does I will be too old to care anyway.
I can’t believe in a better future, I can’t see a better future and I refuse to believe that there is one. I will believe it when I see it. That’s my motto and it hasn’t done me any harm.
This is useless. Who am I kidding? I need help. Where do I turn? Where do I go? Which foot walks first? I can’t talk to the kids because they are kids. I tried talking to my parents but they feel responsible and tell me to get on with it. My friends think I am nuts and believe I am going through a mid life crisis. So who?
Who do I talk to?
Who will listen to me?
If you want to change your life then why not enrol in the Lean Life coaching program? Send an e-mail to firstname.lastname@example.org to seek further details.
Photo courtesy of Minnesota Historical Society cc @ flickr.com